Friday, April 25, 2008

CONYO-te Ugly

Disclaimer: For entertainment purpose only. This blog post doesn't intend to create mayhem. Just for laughs, for crap's sake. And oh, grammatical errors are INTENTIONAL. Haha.

Well, will you look at the time naman, it’s alas six in the gabi and still it’s very very hot. Naman oh, I take ligo na nga for at least four times already and the shampoo pa nga got stuck in my mata, it’s sooowww ouchy to the highest level. OMV, as in OH MY VEGGY. Harhar.

Anyways, thank you sa mga nagbabasa nito by the way. You know, I dedicated my heart, my soul, my poopoo and everything else on to this blog. It’s so mahirap nga eh. I want to make it pure English pero I’m here in the Philippines eh so I’ll use tagalog then English ulit. Oh my Gawd, it’s my unang entry. Hahahaa. Good luck to my nose.

Okay. Wheeeeww. Last week, my fugly friendships invited me to the beach, somewhere in the kabukiran in Tagaytay. You know why I make tawag fugly to them? I’m just Tupperware no! They have many money nga pero they can’t reach my highness. Harhar. Anyway, to continue my naputol na story, they invited me nga. So, after that, I said to them that hindi ako maka-go sa kanila since I am making sunod sunod with the uso today. You know what’s the latest uso ngayon? Duh! Walang money! Hahaha. Kaya nga mga friendships ko baduy kasi they have many money. I pity them. HAHA. So, I make hindi payag sign to them sa beach. And then after yun, I make some palusots, sabi ko na my mom and dad had a honeymoon sa Boracay and white sand sea there. And for them? EEEWWW. Black sand. So cheap. I don’t want to look cheap no. Nakikifollow lang me sa uso. DUH.


Ayun, my plans worked naman, fortunately, sa forgiveness ni God.

Oo nga naman, since I don’t have money, I can’t buy the latest issue of Candy Mag. Huhuhu. There are so many pogis on that mag. Huhuhu. My mother make some utangs pa nga in me eh because we don’t have rice na daw. THE NERD TALAGA SI MOMMY! GRRRR. Cge nalang, so I made payag to her and give her my grands. Hahay buhay. I want to read something naman so I plan to buy newspaper nalang. It’s cheap ang very thick pages. And then I make daan-daan to this babasahin:

How to Fake Summer:

SUNKIST. The true sons of summer glow gold and so should you. To become truly burned, you have to log hours under the sun. Grab:

* sheets of unpainted yero
* two liters of Coke (original)
* egg timer

What to do:

1. At 15 minutes to noon, climb to the highest point on your property (rooftop, old tree, water tank).

2. Lay your sheets of yero a la beach towel, and then strip. (Yes, do it! There's no one watching except Google Earth and village yayas.)

3. To help your bronzed state, slather your pale body with the sticky, dark goodness of Coke.

4. Now, lie down on your yeros for double sun searing exposure (front and back via reflection). Set the timer for 30 minutes. and turn over for another half hour like a lechon.

5. Try other drinks like Sarsi, Beer na Beer, or dark gata to add richness to your color

So yun, it’s mejo early pa in the morning and then I spotted Manong Jojo. He’s so cute talaga grabeh, yun nga lang, whenever he makes some smile to me, you know, the world will experience lindol-lindol noh, paano naman he don’t have teeth sa mouth him. Kawawa, if I’m a gazilionaire, I’ll make donate some fake teeth to him para we can be as close as close up model. Harhar. Anyways, I make some kindat to him and I tanong to him If I can akin na the yero thing. So he make bigay the yero to akin and poof, kahit early pa I make some derecho to the rooftop. Grabeh it’s so mainit. But bahala na butt ko. I sunod-sunod nalang on what the newspaper make sabi to peke my summer. Ayun, I make babad to coke and bilad to the highest level in my yero. OMV! As in, OWWW-EMMMM-VEEEEE. After making babad to Mr. Sunny for 30 minutos, my balat’s making a sudden change sa kanyang color. My sexyback is black! OMV. So, to make pantay-pantay, I make harap to the sun nalang and grabeh, I make some konting tiis and recited tanging yaman as my prayer. OMV. When I think my color is brown-brown na, I make baba to my house.

Ayun, this is the step two as ano ang nakawrite sa newspaper.

BEACH SNAPS. Now that you're nognog, it's time for a photo shoot. Don your coordinated beach wear and, against an all white wall, strike a summer pose. Keep in mind what Tyra says: "Smile wit yo eyez." So, smile your pretty eyes away, inhale like your life depends on it, and vogue.

Some scenes to try:

* Just landed and now so happy to be in paradise
* Just drunk and now so rolling and lolling around the sands.
* Just me and now so hot and pose-y and super fine!


Now with your ninja Photoshop skills, crop out the white background and paste your bod on fantasy locales. Remember to use proper blending, shadows, and proportions. Do not use Liquify to thin your frame. Snapshots need some semblance of (fat) truth.

Well, well I’m not that mayabang but I am very mayabang when it comes to my talent sa Photoshop. Hahaha. I am so pagod when I make changes sa pic. My mama is my maniniyot nga eh, she took my sexy pictorial sa sala and I edit-edit nalang nga eh sa photoshop. May God, I have grabe, sebeere acheshead. OMV. Buti I make some bawi nalang natapos ko rin to. I am so proud to me. Harhar.



This is the third instruction sa newspaper:

PASALUBONG. Trinkets for friends form your faux getaway will move your lies closer to truth. Get crafty. If you came from Faux Boracay, string white shells or whitish shell-looking things into anklets. If you visited Faux Palawan, string pearls from Greenhills into necklaces. If you summered in Batanes, string straw into a vakul, the oh-so-fly traditional headpiece of the Ivatans. Warning! To pass as bona fide pasalubongs, you have to make tough decisions. Can I de-shell my sister's pet turtle and turn it into a necklace? Should I nick my mom's heirloom pearls and pass them off as Palawan pasalubong? Must I cut off lola's Maria Clara hair and spin it into a hat? Yes, yes, and yes.


EEEEWWWW. Mahiya sila to the bones. When they make uwi na, I’m sure, chipipay ang pasalubong to my beautyness. Theyr pasalubong’s not that ka level to my level. UGGH.

NEEEXXXXT!

REFRESH. Before you make your grand return from Faux Summer, get some rest. You need to look fresh and happy like an authentic vacationer who spent days under the sun. On the third day of your Three Days/Two Nights Fake Vacation, do nothing. Draw the curtains, turn your airconditioning to full blast, and beautify. Cleanse, tone, and moisturize. Slap on an oatmeal mud mask. Then, lie down on your bed and tape your eyes shut. Sleep for 12 hours. Wake up from your forced slumber for your four-hour masahe. Sleep again and dream of waves. If you can't do the aforementioned, score a couple of Valiums, Vicodins, or Xanaxes to achieve fake serenity.



Because I make sunod nalang sa uso, which is MONEY, I just slap my face with ice. It’s so cheap and sayang naman if I made sampal the cooked rice to my beauty diba? Be phractical!

And my uber favorite part:

STORIES. Friends and especially foes in friendly disguise will surely quiz you about your Faux Summer so get your story straight. Research, memorize, and rehearse:


HAHAHAHA. Because dahil of my my kagalingan of the beautiness of my edited pic, I can’t really paint the JAW of my FRIENDS. Hahahaha. In fact they are all selos to me na. HAHAHAHAHA.

OMV. From now on I will not make bili Candy Mag kasi nga it’s so mahal even though I will see my future fantasies na. AWWWW. Yes, reading newspapers really can make me a intelligent being. See mom? I LEARNED A LOT OF NEW THINGS!

HAHAHA. Salamat sa magread nito ha? Your beautyness is on the highness. Ciao pow.

HAY TAKTE. Boredom. Hahahah. Grabeh, sumakit ang ulo ko while writing this entry. HAHAHAA.

Happy Summer Everyone! :P

Article borrowed from: Clifford Ray Olanday, Manila Bulletin's Style Weekend, 4 April 2008 issue.

Thanks LYLE MALUBAY for posting this article sa blog mo! :D

22 comments:

  1. karleee3:11 PM

    oh my veggie? haha oh-kay.

    ReplyDelete
  2. "oh my veggie? haha oh-kay."


    hahaha. but malay mo daghan kaayo ni dire sa pilipinas karlee. lol.

    ReplyDelete
  3. joie sheen3:11 PM

    oh my gosh renz! first sentence pa lng ayoko na tapusin! hahaha

    ReplyDelete
  4. "oh my gosh renz! first sentence pa lng ayoko na tapusin! hahaha"


    HAHAHAHA. tama ba lagi ko. LOL.
    waaaa. mas expert man si neil sa coño language. HAHAHAHAHAA

    ReplyDelete
  5. agent justin3:12 PM

    ikaw gumawa nito?
    ayos ah! hahahaha sooooper conyo!

    ReplyDelete
  6. yepyep. dahil bored ako. pero di ako conyo ha! naku. HAHAHHAA.
    di pa nga masyadong expert sa "coño language" hahahha.

    ReplyDelete
  7. joie sheen3:13 PM

    "HAHAHAHA. tama ba lagi ko. LOL.
    waaaa. mas expert man si neil sa coño language. HAHAHAHAHAA"




    haha! as iN! ka level na niya c sir albert. haha luod gani mag conyo² c neil...as in kanang ma-feel gani nko na manindog akong balahibo...hahaha

    ReplyDelete
  8. HAHAHAHA. JUUD! makatawa jud ko basta mag conyo si neil. shyet. patudlo ko sa iyaha! HAHAHAHAHA :))) lol.

    ReplyDelete
  9. la la la lyle3:14 PM

    wala ka nagkatawa while writing this?! hehe. buing jud ka renz.. ROFLMAO!!

    ReplyDelete
  10. haha nice... conio-han tlga. hehe

    ReplyDelete
  11. jaimelynn3:14 PM

    pakshet!

    nilabad akong ulo..

    funneh!!

    ReplyDelete
  12. "wala ka nagkatawa while writing this?! hehe. buing jud ka renz.. ROFLMAO!!"



    wala jud koy trip lyle! HAHAHA. salamat sa imong gi repost na article sa newspaper.. nainspire ko to write this.. actually nagapataka lang kog type ani.. then na realize nako na stupid kaayo akong ginatype. HAHAHAHAAH.

    ReplyDelete
  13. "haha nice... conio-han tlga. hehe
    "



    oonga ehhh! sumakit nga ulo ko while doing this. HAHAHHA

    ReplyDelete
  14. "pakshet!

    nilabad akong ulo..

    funneh!!"




    PISTIIIIII! hhahaahhaha. wala na jud koy mabuhat na productive jai! HAHAHAHA

    ReplyDelete
  15. jaimelynn11:01 PM

    "PISTIIIIII! hhahaahhaha. wala na jud koy mabuhat na productive jai! HAHAHAHA"


    may paka!

    wahaha!

    ReplyDelete
  16. karleee11:01 PM

    ha? wala ko kasabot, unsa connection sa akong giingon? heheh

    ReplyDelete
  17. hannah11:02 PM

    Nice one renz.. Masuko Dyud si Kris Aquino sa imu whahaahha... Sya pa naman ang reyna sa Konyohan...wahahaha...You should consider writing as one of your professions.. :)

    ReplyDelete
  18. ha? wala ko kasabot, unsa connection sa akong giingon? heheh"


    daghan ug mga OA na expression baaa. naah never mind .. ;]]

    ReplyDelete
  19. "Nice one renz.. Masuko Dyud si Kris Aquino sa imu whahaahha... Sya pa naman ang reyna sa Konyohan...wahahaha...You should consider writing as one of your professions.. :)"



    HAHAHA :)) as if naman mabasa ni kay kris noohh.. entertainment purpose lang ni 'te nooh :)) hahah. and oh! I'm not conyo. HAHHAA ;]]]]

    ReplyDelete
  20. hannah11:03 PM

    "I'm not conyo"


    Alam ko, kabisaya nimu.. what I mean to say is, magaling ka magsulat, and you should consider honing it.. hehhee

    ReplyDelete
  21. char ate :)) hahaha. :)) palibasa writer naman gud ko sa akong school paper. hahaha ^__^

    ReplyDelete
  22. yana marisse1:53 PM

    hahahahhaha

    ReplyDelete

Whatchasay?