A Chiz Whiz Story. Juicy

I just love Chiz Whiz. Well, as everybody knows I do have a LARGE appetite. People that don’t know me well may get astonished by it. Haha. I just love the way it slides through the bread and the taste lingers to my soft and delicate tongue. I can even manage to eat ONE PACK of loaf bread, with the help of Mrs. Chiz Whiz.

NO. I’m not gonna tell you a story about Mrs. Chiz Whiz.

I just want to elaborate the society’s unhealthy habit, which is gossiping. So, mga chismosos, chismosas, echuseros and echuseras out there, this post is dedicated to you.


Gossip. Tittle-tattle. Rumors. Who loves them anyway?

According to Wikipedia, a gossip is defined as this:

Gossip is idle talk or rumor, especially about the personal or private affairs of others.

While gossip forms one of the oldest and (still) the most common means of spreading and sharing facts and views, it also has a reputation for the introduction of errors and other variations into the information thus transmitted. The term also carries implications that the news so transmitted (usually) has a personal or trivial nature.

I know, sometimes Wikipedia’s not that reliable, but then again, they had a point. I don’t know why some people do this subtle barbaric thing. Uggh. They just spread unwanted rumors and stories of a certain person. I mean, what’s the point of making dim, fake and stupid stories and tell this to the whole world? Uggh. You’re just wasting your time Manang.

I used to be a victim (or was I?) of this unwanted drama.

I was on my way to school (UP) when I spotted these two old lookin’ ladies. While waiting for a jeep or HH, I heard their conversation. No, I don’t eavesdrop, that’s not my hobby, for damn’s sake (and they don’t whisper, they just talk in an ordinary, otherwise, nagpaparinig). The conversation goes like this:

Manang Tigulang A: Hoy Buday, kabalo gani ka, kanang tisoy (OOWS?) sa atong tapad, bata pa kayo iyang Mama ba. (Hey Buday, you know what, that mestizo in our side, his mother looks so young!)

Manang Tigulang B: Ay te, kana man tung anak sa tag-iya sa tutoran dapit dira. Bitaw, bata kayo iyang mama, basig nabuntisan sa pooriner tung high school pa siya. (Oh I see, I think he’s the son of the owner of the Tutorial Center a few blocks away. Yeah right, I think she conceived her son and his father’s a foreigner when she was still in high school, I guess).

I can’t understand my feelings at that time. I don’t know whether if I’m angry or just natatawa lang sa conversation nila.

Then they continued there “intimate” moments until I can no longer control my temper. So I went intrude their intimacy and said:

Hey beautiful WITCHES, well, will you look at the weather today, the sun’s shining directly on to your lousy ass-shaped piehole [mouth] (insert puzzled look of the witches, haha). Well, you just talk about me and my mom right? Well, well, well witches for your information, my mom’s 40 already and I’m 17. So if you do the simple Math, she’s already 23 when she gave birth to me. Take note, she got married on the tenth month of the year and she was pregnant on the twelve month of the year. But I was IMPRESSED with your LOUSY creativity dear. (Still, puzzled pa rin sila, in short, NA WERLA. Bwahaha)

(May dumating na HH) Manong, sa UP tayo..

So long ugly witches, have a nice day!

Hahahaha. Man, I was so mean at that time, but I can’t help it, they’re RUDE. A few weeks later, I saw them, again (uggh), and this time, they smiled at me, but I never return them even a smirk. Burn those two witches at HELL!

BTW, both of them are labanderas in the neighborhood.

It’s so sad to think that people talk about you, in a negative way even if you did nothing to them.

And yeah, Paparazzi’s another thing, another story.

Pining. Where the hell ARE YOU?

Pining Pining Pining.

"Hi mga friendships. AYYYY-SSSIIIIA [Asia], ang CUUTE niya talaga. huhuhu."
"Hindi ako ambisyosa ASIA ha, mas maganda lang ako sa iyo noohhh"
"UUUYYY, ang pogeee mo, pa kiss naman [after kiss, may thunder-like sound effects] HAHAHA"
"RRRAAAARRWWW"

Awww. I just missed your OH-SO LOVELY Voice. Hahahaha. [And may maalala ako everytime maisip ko si PINING. Awwww.]

And so, my brother's acting weird, maybe because of his raging hormones. UUGGH I hate it! He's acting as if he's MY kuya and I'm his younger brother. UGGGH. Oh well, let's face it. You look older than me. Ooops. Bad kuya. Bad kuya. Good thing he doesn't have a multiply account because, according to him, multiply's LOUSY and friendster's way better than the latter. Whatever.

"What is there that is NOT TOXIC"

Another randomey baloney post from yours truly. HAHAHA

I SAW HER ♥

Elation. Euphoria.

The blue-orange hue of the sunset sky of Batanes touched my soul. I walked in the long, winding shore. On my right stand the majestic cliffs of Batanes. I was alone, all alone. I reminisced the good and bad days of my life. I smelled the “salty” air of sea. Gaia showered me with gale-force wind and I thought of flying. No, I’m not crazy.

Then I saw her. She had this sweetest smile. I was caught by her charm (btw, she looks like Anne Curtis or Maxine Magalona or combination of the two). I was curious so I asked her name.  

Then.. then.. then..
I heard this irksome noise. UGGHHH!!!


THE VACUUM CLEANER!


Ugh. Nagising tuloy ako. And there’s no way that I could go back to my dream. CRAP.  



Well, I just hope that she’s real. Awwww. ♥

CONYO-te Ugly

Disclaimer: For entertainment purpose only. This blog post doesn't intend to create mayhem. Just for laughs, for crap's sake. And oh, grammatical errors are INTENTIONAL. Haha.

Well, will you look at the time naman, it’s alas six in the gabi and still it’s very very hot. Naman oh, I take ligo na nga for at least four times already and the shampoo pa nga got stuck in my mata, it’s sooowww ouchy to the highest level. OMV, as in OH MY VEGGY. Harhar.

Anyways, thank you sa mga nagbabasa nito by the way. You know, I dedicated my heart, my soul, my poopoo and everything else on to this blog. It’s so mahirap nga eh. I want to make it pure English pero I’m here in the Philippines eh so I’ll use tagalog then English ulit. Oh my Gawd, it’s my unang entry. Hahahaa. Good luck to my nose.

Okay. Wheeeeww. Last week, my fugly friendships invited me to the beach, somewhere in the kabukiran in Tagaytay. You know why I make tawag fugly to them? I’m just Tupperware no! They have many money nga pero they can’t reach my highness. Harhar. Anyway, to continue my naputol na story, they invited me nga. So, after that, I said to them that hindi ako maka-go sa kanila since I am making sunod sunod with the uso today. You know what’s the latest uso ngayon? Duh! Walang money! Hahaha. Kaya nga mga friendships ko baduy kasi they have many money. I pity them. HAHA. So, I make hindi payag sign to them sa beach. And then after yun, I make some palusots, sabi ko na my mom and dad had a honeymoon sa Boracay and white sand sea there. And for them? EEEWWW. Black sand. So cheap. I don’t want to look cheap no. Nakikifollow lang me sa uso. DUH.


Ayun, my plans worked naman, fortunately, sa forgiveness ni God.

Oo nga naman, since I don’t have money, I can’t buy the latest issue of Candy Mag. Huhuhu. There are so many pogis on that mag. Huhuhu. My mother make some utangs pa nga in me eh because we don’t have rice na daw. THE NERD TALAGA SI MOMMY! GRRRR. Cge nalang, so I made payag to her and give her my grands. Hahay buhay. I want to read something naman so I plan to buy newspaper nalang. It’s cheap ang very thick pages. And then I make daan-daan to this babasahin:

How to Fake Summer:

SUNKIST. The true sons of summer glow gold and so should you. To become truly burned, you have to log hours under the sun. Grab:

* sheets of unpainted yero
* two liters of Coke (original)
* egg timer

What to do:

1. At 15 minutes to noon, climb to the highest point on your property (rooftop, old tree, water tank).

2. Lay your sheets of yero a la beach towel, and then strip. (Yes, do it! There's no one watching except Google Earth and village yayas.)

3. To help your bronzed state, slather your pale body with the sticky, dark goodness of Coke.

4. Now, lie down on your yeros for double sun searing exposure (front and back via reflection). Set the timer for 30 minutes. and turn over for another half hour like a lechon.

5. Try other drinks like Sarsi, Beer na Beer, or dark gata to add richness to your color

So yun, it’s mejo early pa in the morning and then I spotted Manong Jojo. He’s so cute talaga grabeh, yun nga lang, whenever he makes some smile to me, you know, the world will experience lindol-lindol noh, paano naman he don’t have teeth sa mouth him. Kawawa, if I’m a gazilionaire, I’ll make donate some fake teeth to him para we can be as close as close up model. Harhar. Anyways, I make some kindat to him and I tanong to him If I can akin na the yero thing. So he make bigay the yero to akin and poof, kahit early pa I make some derecho to the rooftop. Grabeh it’s so mainit. But bahala na butt ko. I sunod-sunod nalang on what the newspaper make sabi to peke my summer. Ayun, I make babad to coke and bilad to the highest level in my yero. OMV! As in, OWWW-EMMMM-VEEEEE. After making babad to Mr. Sunny for 30 minutos, my balat’s making a sudden change sa kanyang color. My sexyback is black! OMV. So, to make pantay-pantay, I make harap to the sun nalang and grabeh, I make some konting tiis and recited tanging yaman as my prayer. OMV. When I think my color is brown-brown na, I make baba to my house.

Ayun, this is the step two as ano ang nakawrite sa newspaper.

BEACH SNAPS. Now that you're nognog, it's time for a photo shoot. Don your coordinated beach wear and, against an all white wall, strike a summer pose. Keep in mind what Tyra says: "Smile wit yo eyez." So, smile your pretty eyes away, inhale like your life depends on it, and vogue.

Some scenes to try:

* Just landed and now so happy to be in paradise
* Just drunk and now so rolling and lolling around the sands.
* Just me and now so hot and pose-y and super fine!


Now with your ninja Photoshop skills, crop out the white background and paste your bod on fantasy locales. Remember to use proper blending, shadows, and proportions. Do not use Liquify to thin your frame. Snapshots need some semblance of (fat) truth.

Well, well I’m not that mayabang but I am very mayabang when it comes to my talent sa Photoshop. Hahaha. I am so pagod when I make changes sa pic. My mama is my maniniyot nga eh, she took my sexy pictorial sa sala and I edit-edit nalang nga eh sa photoshop. May God, I have grabe, sebeere acheshead. OMV. Buti I make some bawi nalang natapos ko rin to. I am so proud to me. Harhar.

This is the third instruction sa newspaper:

PASALUBONG. Trinkets for friends form your faux getaway will move your lies closer to truth. Get crafty. If you came from Faux Boracay, string white shells or whitish shell-looking things into anklets. If you visited Faux Palawan, string pearls from Greenhills into necklaces. If you summered in Batanes, string straw into a vakul, the oh-so-fly traditional headpiece of the Ivatans. Warning! To pass as bona fide pasalubongs, you have to make tough decisions. Can I de-shell my sister's pet turtle and turn it into a necklace? Should I nick my mom's heirloom pearls and pass them off as Palawan pasalubong? Must I cut off lola's Maria Clara hair and spin it into a hat? Yes, yes, and yes.

EEEEWWWW. Mahiya sila to the bones. When they make uwi na, I’m sure, chipipay ang pasalubong to my beautyness. Theyr pasalubong’s not that ka level to my level. UGGH.

NEEEXXXXT!

REFRESH. Before you make your grand return from Faux Summer, get some rest. You need to look fresh and happy like an authentic vacationer who spent days under the sun. On the third day of your Three Days/Two Nights Fake Vacation, do nothing. Draw the curtains, turn your airconditioning to full blast, and beautify. Cleanse, tone, and moisturize. Slap on an oatmeal mud mask. Then, lie down on your bed and tape your eyes shut. Sleep for 12 hours. Wake up from your forced slumber for your four-hour masahe. Sleep again and dream of waves. If you can't do the aforementioned, score a couple of Valiums, Vicodins, or Xanaxes to achieve fake serenity.

Because I make sunod nalang sa uso, which is MONEY, I just slap my face with ice. It’s so cheap and sayang naman if I made sampal the cooked rice to my beauty diba? Be phractical!

And my uber favorite part:

STORIES. Friends and especially foes in friendly disguise will surely quiz you about your Faux Summer so get your story straight. Research, memorize, and rehearse:

HAHAHAHA. Because dahil of my my kagalingan of the beautiness of my edited pic, I can’t really paint the JAW of my FRIENDS. Hahahaha. In fact they are all selos to me na. HAHAHAHAHA.

OMV. From now on I will not make bili Candy Mag kasi nga it’s so mahal even though I will see my future fantasies na. AWWWW. Yes, reading newspapers really can make me a intelligent being. See mom? I LEARNED A LOT OF NEW THINGS!

HAHAHA. Salamat sa magread nito ha? Your beautyness is on the highness. Ciao pow.

HAY TAKTE. Boredom. Hahahah. Grabeh, sumakit ang ulo ko while writing this entry. HAHAHAA.

Happy Summer Everyone! :P

Article borrowed from: Clifford Ray Olanday, Manila Bulletin's Style Weekend, 4 April 2008 issue.

Thanks LYLE MALUBAY for posting this article sa blog mo! :D

Summer's not a bummer, after all!

I thought, having an almost 70 days of break would be so dull and dreary. I was wrong, definitely wrong.


Today’s the 22nd of April, and yet, I’m not yet bored with summer! The thing is, I really enjoyed it for the first time in history! Well, actually, I only enjoy summer for the first two weeks of break, and after that, I craved for something unusual, that is, SCHOOL! Naah, I’m not a geek for crap’s sake, it’s just, school’s fun,r right? You get to learn amazing new things in school; else if you’re a pathetic loser, an airhead that wishes to quit school. Hahaha. Oh well.


I did some fanatical things this summer:

Meet with my high school friends.

They’re great. They’re brilliant. It’s a grand idea to meet with my old buddies since I’m an outcast. Most of my high school buddies study in either Ateneo or San Pedro College and they took either Accountancy or Nursing. Most of them meet every week. Due to public demand, they wanted to see me [aba aba. HAHAHA!]. And so I agreed on to their plan. Boy, I really missed them so much. We did the usual kamustahan stuffs, we reminisced those funny moments way back in high school, and we talked for at least one hour and so on. I WANT PART 2! HAHAHA, and next time, sa BEACH NA since it’s summer! Hahaha

Attend surprise parties.

Naah, my mother didn’t inform us right on time. So I guess, it’s still a surprise for us. My aunt (my mom’s cousin) had her house blessed last Friday. Oh my, all I did was to EAT and EAT and EAT until I can no longer stand on to my seat. But hell, I still weigh a hundred and four pounds. Ugh. The following day, my Ninang (which happens to be my mom’s cousin), invited us to have a beach party in High Ponds on Sunday. I only ate almost anything and took some landscape pictures of the resort.

The drawback of over consumption of food is this: LBM. Ugh. I hate this. Yesterday, I just woke up and went straight to the bathroom to excrete those unwanted colloidal craps on to my body system. I think the culprit is this: Calderata and lechon at dinner then pansit canton and three cups of chocolate ice cream by midnight. But hell, my uncle’s right, MASARAP ANG BAWAL.

Make some nice and decent multiply themes/layouts.

It’s summer, right? To kill ennui, I decided to make multiply layouts! It’s so much fun. I only use notepad. But I was pretty amazed with my new set of brushes in Adobe Photoshop. Nice. I only had two multiply layouts but heck, rarami pa yan! So, watch out! :D


Last thing, I just hate summer because I am ALWAYS PENNILESS. I am an impoverished, impecunious and a destitute being. Palimos, palimos!


ALMS, ALMS, SPARE ME A PIECE OF BREAD. Naahhh. That was Liz’s declamation piece. That was 7 years ago. HAHAHAHA.

An Endearing Conversation

I thought of sweeping dried leaves of the plush mango tree in our front yard would ease the intense boredom that I felt one hot Wednesday afternoon. While sweeping the front yard to make our façade, at least presentable, I noticed two kids, a boy and a girl. I think they’re twins, fraternal twins to be precise. They sat on to the gutter, right in front of our house. I didn’t shoo them (they’re kids, right?) instead, I listened to their conversation.

It goes like this:

Boy: Huy Klea, narinig mo si yaya kanina? May kausap kasi siya sa telephone eh.
Girl: Hindi. Nagpoopoo kaya ako. Bakit?
Boy: Kasi, narinig ko siyang nag-aaylabyou sa telephone.
Girl: Talaga?
Boy: Uhuh! Tapos may sinabi pa siya na super sweet.
Girl: Eh ano?
Boy: Basta ganito sinabi ni yaya, “Ay lab you nomattir what. You are like a booger, who always sticks to my hand. You’re so yummy dear.”
Girl: EEEWWWW. Hahaha. Masarap pala ang kulangot?
Boy: Ewan. Hindi naman siya matamis. Mapait na maalat naman siya.
Girl: Talaga? Sige, try natin mamaya sa bahay! Uwi na tayo, may party pa tayong i-atend.

Well, thanks to those cute kids, they made my day complete. HAHAHAHAHA!

I miss you

I miss those days.
I REALLY miss those days. Past, present future tense. Whatever!

I miss my alma mater. It was my second home. I stayed there for at least thirteen cruel extraordinary and memorable years. I will never forget the day when I accidentally peered on to my old Chinese teacher’s skirt. We always sit on the floor during lectures and I was glancing at the ceiling fan when she suddenly blocked my view. I was innocent then. I thought I saw clouds. Yun pala, layers and layers of panty pala yun (similar to a typical cartoon character’s undies). Hahaha. She didn’t know that. There was a time that I was punished by that grumpy, old Chinese teacher because I laughed on her like a silly hyena! Her wig flew because she forgot to turn off the ceiling fan! Because of frustration (and yeah, to protect her dignity and reputation), she forced me to go outside the classroom and bear the searing heat of the sun. I stayed under the scorching heat of the sun for at least 3 hours. After that, I got fever. Did my mom report child abuse to the authorities? Naaah. It was my fault.


Then, high school came through. HS life is full of firsts.

First time mangopya ng mga lintik na assignments, first time magpapakopya ng mga assignments [uuyy, mabait!] sa classmates, hanggang buong baranggay nang nangopya, and it hurts, REALLY HURTS if nawala ang papel mo. Walang hiyang buhay ‘to oh. First time makipagaway sa teacher, first love, first hug, first kiss, first baby, UGH. Enough!

Irksome dorky classmates, conceited socialites, social climbers, humble socialites, brilliant classmates, experts, the boring ones, the cheapipays, best friend ng bayan.. Oooh, high school clique’s really exciting, intriguing and yeah, baffling.


Welcome college life! The real life begins here. Your destiny and future shall reflect on to your performance. During the first few weeks, everybody’s excited on to every class. Each and everyone write on to their brand new Gtecs, binders, and scented notebooks during lectures. Everyone dreams to have an UNO grade. After prelims, dreams start to shatter and fade. Then midterm came. Insanity. Then Finals. Brain Damage. Comatose. Beep. Flat Line. Time of death, after every final examination. Resurrection follows after the last exam of the final exam week.

Iskul bukol. No wonder why I miss school. Uggh. Then during the mid semester, I’m always frazzled and want to have a long rest. Here I am though, enjoying the summer break yet I’m yearning for school.

The sine qua non is this: Man can never be satisfied.

The Paradox of Life

Mama and Papa traveled for a thousand miles. Then, they’ve met. You’ve met. A spark of your serendipity signifies my meek subsistence.


Just last night, I broke the great news to you of my docile existence near your heart; I thought I was bringing you the greatest joy and happiness a woman could have on earth. Isn’t it great to be a mother? Isn’t it wonderful to be the source of a new human life? I really thought that you were always wonderful. I always know that you dream to be the most successful woman on the planet. You dream to have a perfect family. The love of you and papa proved my existence. Here I am. I could somehow bring luck and joy to you and papa. The sweet innocence of your childhood dreams fly within the wings of an angel.

Instead? What a harsh revelation to see you that you cried the whole night. You haven’t slept at all! I saw you sobbing, depressed all day. You even tried to choke yourself with lola’s blanket. I felt your agitation, your bitterness, your bitterness, your despair. Now you are with fever and cannot get up. I am very sorry I caused you such pain, and I can’t understand why.

My feeble presence may be significant, but who knows right? I may be a Philanthropist, who helps on every needy person in the planet. I may be a President of the country, who is the leader of all leaders. I may be a drug addict, the pest of the community. I can just be an ordinary person, who lives in an ordinary lifestyle. Who knows? The future is very unpredictable. Yet even in that way, I love the gift of life. I’m sorry mama if I caused you so much pain. I just love you more than myself and would readily give my life to make you happy. Some may claim that my life is not yet important. Maybe, my life will have the beauty of the small things that are just drops of happiness. Let my life be just one drop of happiness I’ll share with others.


Mama, MAMA! Help! An unknown strong and sinister-like force keeps on separating us! Mamas, please, do something! I love you Mama! Don’t leave me! I just want to experience life after this period. My dreams, my heart, my arms, my head, are all shattered and torn apart.


Now Mama, I know see light, a light that would bring me to the right path. Don’t worry, I’m happy right now. I can now see the beauty and significance of life. I am happy, mama, really.

Why should you cry? Why should you worry? God will take care of me! Mom, just tell me one thing.

WHAT’S WRONG WITH YOU?