CRAP - and I just hate this.

Define CRAP. First, it's a noun. Second, it's a subtle substitution for the scandalous word, shit. Third, it's a CRAP. CRAP CRAP CRAP! Ugh! CRAP! I just hate this.


For the past few days I found myself more irritable than the previous days or weeks. If my parents wanted me to do something, like the simplest household chores, I'll just grumble about it and after that, the two gremlins would just scold me because of my disobedience. Ugh. I know I've been a bad son lately. It's just like, I dunno, honestly I couldn't understand myself as of this moment. I dunno. I can't determine whether If I'm happy or not. Everything in my life is not that perfect. But hell, my family's strong, I studied in a prestigious school, I lived in a concrete house, I have lots of clothes to wear and I eat almost 6 times a day. So practically there's always a reason why I should be HAPPY with my life. Ugh. I'm so stupid. Am I experiencing the crucial stage of a teenager? Am I a bipolar teen? Do I need to consult a psychiatrist? OR am I just overreacting?!


I dunno. Kung may hihingiin ako sa kanila, ibibigay agad nila sa akin but if they asked me a LITTLE FAVOR, tinatanggihan ko. Ugh. I'm so ashamed with my stupid behavior. I know. I'm not an ideal son that they had wished for. I'm so sorry. I know you can't read this but it's just I'm very disappointed to myself. My actions lately were very frustrating. I know both of you were disappointed to me. But it's just partly I can't just blame myself. I'm trying my best to be good, but it's JUST... JUST.... UGH. I dunno. Crap.


Every dinner, they would just give me painful sermons. It's my own FAULT though but hell, I just wished that I'm deaf and I will never hear those upsetting sermons. Uggh. Erase erase. But I don't wanna be a disabled person. I just hate the way things that are getting on to me.


I'm a happy and optimistic person. I have always a positive views in life. If a certain problem arises, I would look forward to solve that dilemma in no time. BUT. Ugh. Never mind.

And I just hate myself for being so STUPID lately. :((

BIG Brother

No. This post is not intended for the Pinoy Big Brother, a worldwide, unparalleled, divisive and conflict-ridden television series of ABS-CBN. Just read.

Being an eldest in the family is not an easy task. I mean, you take all of those heavy responsibilities in home, in school and in your family, most especially to your younger siblings. A minor mistake would mean a disaster to us. Even if it’s our sibling’s fault, our parents often blame us. Such arduous task made me realize that being a “kuya” could be a disastrous and tiring one. I’m not complaining about my status in my family, but I just want to point out things that are crappy, especially if you deal with your younger siblings.

I consider my brother as my alter ego. He is my total opposite. We rarely talk the same language, idiomatically speaking. We often fight even for the simplest things. He’s EMO and I’m not. We don’t have any similarities on physical looks except on our figure – we’re both thin. He’s very athletic and I’m not. He abhors math and I love math. I’m quite serious with my life and HE’S NOT.

One thing for sure, we always argue on a regular basis. My mom’s getting tired of us. I’m not saying that I hate him or what, but sometimes, this mayhem can’t be avoided. I am really disappointed and frustrated with him for the past few weeks. I just observed that as he grew older, he gets more stubborn and hard headed than before.

These frustrations had led me to write something about him because I’m really tired of his behavior. Sometimes when he needs help, especially on his math assignments or simply he wants to clarify things about algebra, he would be the nicest person that I’ve ever met in this muddled planet. Sometimes, he would be very fastidious to me ‘coz makigamit siya ng cellphone ko para makatext niya ang kanyang crush and the next thing I knew he would be mean to me. Take this situation as an example. He will not allow me to use the computer because he’s still playing FREESTYLE – an online basketball game. “Wait lang beh! Pa level up muna ako” – he always said that statement to me many times in an irritable manner. Well, talking about being petulant. I just wanted to use the computer because I need to search something important for our Bio 3 Lab. I just waited for four and a half grueling hours (while doing my homework in a traditional way, that is through books) until he finished his DAILY RITUAL. Man, he’s an ADDICT. Everyday, he opts to play online games rather than studying. I just waited like a moron and I don’t want to start another disturbing fight. Sometimes, when I grumble about his addiction, he would just curse me with foul words. I want to tear his left ear lobe using his sharp earring and bind his mouth using soldering iron. But I can’t. All I can do is to control my temper. Ooooh, and I’m not playing Saint Renzy Benzy in this annoying situation. Sometimes, my brother and my mom would end up shouting and fighting because of his ruthless behavior. I also consider myself as ruthless, but I know the limitations on it. The problem is, he’s very uncontrollable but not violent (like Baron Geisler, hehehe). I could partially understand this particular behavior because he’s fourteen and he’s living in a chaotic teenage environment.

Yes. I consider myself as an imperfect brother to him because I know, I had some weaknesses. But what I am trying to point out is that he must change his behavior, well at least I could see some minor improvements on to him. I don’t hate him. I just want him to change his negative attitude. It’s already 2008 and he’s going to be fifteen this year. And I’m just afraid that he will be wilder than today. All I can do is to talk with my mom about his unusual behavior because talking to him would be unnecessary and pointless. All I want is to respect me as your older brother.

I know you can do it. Sana baguhin mo ang bad attitudes mo (ako rin). Peace.