Some updates about my life

I just don’t write something that hasn’t happened yet. I don’t know, as much as I’m an optimist, I am leaning towards pragmatism. I don’t give myself false hopes because, at the end of the day, it’ll hurt me so bad. As an air traffic controller for nine years, I have learned how to pre-plan my life, and plan at least ten steps in case shit hits the fan. 

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A few days ago, a creative idea just popped out of my awesome brain. Awesome. Yeah right. Anyway, so I was thinking of writing a book. Can you believe it? Well, I am not surprised. When I was in fifth grade, I began writing my novel. It’s a horror-comedy kind of book. It’s all about a family who just moved to a new neighborhood. Like your typical horror-comedy flick, the family lives happily while they settle in their new environment. And all of a sudden, strange things began to unfold. The family had a tomato garden in their backyard. Then their tomatoes started to grow big and began to develop teeth. You already know what happened. It’s morbid. It’s fun. But, I didn’t take the time to finish the book because I don’t know how to end it.

Maybe I just missed writing. Like, writing-without-being-forced-to-write-something kind of thing. Trust me, when you write something creatively, it’s hard especially when you lack inspiration. I honestly can’t picture myself working in a creative industry. My creative juices need to be replenished now and then. The problem is, I need long breaks in between. That can’t be done if I work at an advert company, for example.

Going back to the topic, I am thinking of writing something about my journey as an air traffic controller in the Philippines. You know, it’s my first job, been working for nine years already, and I am feeling sentimental just thinking about it, especially since I am LEAVING the country for good. I honestly don’t care about the reception after publishing it. But the fact that I published a book is already huge. I am also planning to publish my travel stories as well. These dreams are in the pipeline, and I am considering them. 

First Two Weeks

2022 welcomed us with a bang, like literally. For the first few days of the year, I have finally decided to resign from my online job. It's no longer making me happy, and I got burnt out from all those demanding tasks. Almost nine years of being an ATC, I have never experienced this before. Even hearing Slack's notification and the Aussie accent is making me anxious. So, I decided to resign. This job is one of my means to earn more for my show money and tuition fee for my Canadian dream. But no, I was no longer happy. I told my parents about what I was feeling, and they told me not to worry about it because they were willing to help me. For the first time, I felt free! Like a slave unchained from the clutches of his ruthless master!

It was the best decision I have made so far because everyone got tested positive back at my 'real' work, and we lack a workforce. Since the start of the year, I have been working endless hours to meet the minimum shift complement—good thing we are all getting paid for rendering overtime work.

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Speaking of which, we had an emergency online meeting in our cluster to discuss the procedures and our work schedule. I have this colleague who is an anti-vaxxer. Instead of discussing the main plan, he kept veering off-topic, like the anti-vaxxer's sentiments and the omicron variant being a 'Mother Nature's natural vaccine.' As the one who previously contracted COVID-19 last year and experienced isolation for 14 days, I lashed out. I was fuming mad because he completely disregarded science and presented dumb facts from conspiracy theories. I have friends who suffered and died from the virus, and I cannot just let it pass through. His sentiments scream injustice. I debunked what he said and left the online meeting after that. I can't stand the blatant ignorance. Every time I see him in the office, I feel indifferent. I don't care, to be honest. I pray that he will only experience mild symptoms if he contracts the virus. Otherwise, he will never get an ounce of pity if everything gets serious. I don't know; thinking of that particular moment makes me fuming mad. Anyway, we need to move on. It's already in the past, and I have to focus on beneficial things and make me happy.

Speaking of the things that make me happy, someone from UFA Technologies interviewed me for a possible job offer. Hours before the interview, I felt nervous because it'll be all over if I screwed this up. Plus, add that Jason speaks highly of me at the office, so imagine the pressure of keeping up with the 'gold standard.' The interview went really well, based on Neil's comments. I hope that this is the sign I've been waiting for. This pathway is better than the international student pathway because I don't need to shell out millions. But, who knows? Either way, I have more options to consider.

Anyway, this is getting long. The first two weeks of 2022 have been crazy. 

Intersection

What if we lived in a world that didn't face the global health crisis? Life could've been different. You see, we'd both continue to do our regular work or responsibilities in life. We'd be traveling around the world and continue to tick off our bucket lists. Or perhaps continue living this never-ending cycle of monotony? Maybe in that world, our lives will continue like parallel lines. There is synchronicity. There is a common denominator. The world might feel small, but just like parallel lines, they will never meet.

However, in our realm, everything turned upside down. I thought life would be such a huge mess, not just for me but for everyone else. The world momentarily stopped, and chaos ensued. There was panic. And for the first time, there was uncertainty. It was in these moments where plans didn't go accordingly. But, I just realized that unpredictability comes with excitement. The unplanned outcomes are can either make or break you.

The foxes led me to a fortunate stroke of serendipity. Through these creatures, I had the chance to meet you. I met someone who has a soul so pure, so passionate and dedicated, and so much zest in life. An exchange of simple salutations turned into long late-night conversations. I knew right after our first call there was something special in you.

Every day, I look forward to seeing your name on my phone's notification. I would feel gutted if I missed your calls because I was either at work or sleeping. We laugh at our weird jokes, and we eagerly listened to one another how our day transpired–even talking about the weather of our current cities would last for like an hour. It was too easy to have struck a conversation with you. It felt like I have known you for the longest time. Every day, you always remind me to keep pushing forward to achieve my dreams. You always inspire me to strive for excellence.

I just realized that in our world, there's always a curveball. Somehow, the once parallel lines we used to started to converge. At one point in our lives, we begin to intersect. It is a point where all of the synchronicity, serendipitous events, and coincidences happen. From there, we shall remain at the intersection point, never leaving again as individual lines.

Solitude

How is it possible to feel empty despite doing productive things? Like, today, I had 8 hours of good sleep, wrote the first safety report for the year 2021, ate delicious Chinese food, worked four hours for my online voice-over project, and watched three episodes of medical dramas. I even planned to edit my Melbourne vlog, but my creative juices aren't spilling out yet.

Yet, I feel terrible. Terrible because I wasn't like this. There's a party with my colleagues, yet I chose to stay at the office to do this stuff, to keep myself preoccupied. I feel better with this kind of setup. There are days when I don't feel like talking to anyone. There are days when I value solitude, that I have to regenerate this energy inside me. I don't know, but I still feel terrible and empty inside despite being productive. I am not proud of what I did like I only gave four stars to the Grab delivery guy just because he doesn't have change for 500 pesos for my McDo delivery. So, I went to the nearest ATM, only to find out it's taking 48 years to dispense money. I banged the ATM out of frustration, and I didn't listen to the Grab driver's suggestion that I can pay him through GCash the following day. Instead, I gave him four stars despite him being so apologetic with our predicament. I know it wasn't a big deal on my end, but for him, it was. He was doing his job, and here I am, acting like a privileged brat. It feels like there's an inner monster or demon inside me.

Maybe all these emotional stresses that accumulated since last February had finally reached a crucial point. I'm not like this. But, there are people in your who'd test your patience. When someone broke your trust, you'll never bring it back. I believe people deserve second chances in life, but we have to consider the circumstances. As for me, when someone broke their trust, they start burning the bridges. Why fix something that's already damaged when you can destroy the foundations of it? I'm all for quality over quantity, and I don't give a flying fuck about all those good memories. Memories, whether good or bad, are a thing of the past. It's good to reminisce about it, especially the good ones, but we have to move forward.

Maybe I was hurt because someone took advantage of me being selfless. Maybe I was hurt because someone dares to tell lies to people. Maybe I was hurt because they never asked how I truly felt if I was okay or not. I think it's about time to leave this heavy emotional baggage and move forward. Burning bridges and destroying their foundations will surely help to unload this burden that I'm feeling right now.

I will be okay. But for now, I am not. 

2020

It's the time of the year when we post how we spent the year and how it culminated. This year was an exception–no throwback travel photos, no photos of your family and friends being together. It has been a long and dreary year for us, and January 2020 felt like it happened a decade ago. We have been through hardships this year, and all of these have affected most of us. It's easy to say that 2020 is the worst year yet as some succumbed to the virus, and long-awaited plans have to be put on hold indefinitely. Some of us were also quite eager to see the sunshine again, the birds sing, the flowers bloom, and this cold veil, the outbreak lifts itself off of this world. Most had desired so mere, yet so lofty. Everyone wanted to do what they did last year and the years before: live normally again, breathe once again some outer air. However, before this outbreak, people were tired of living monotonous lives, and they craved some change.

This year was all about realizations instead of expectations. We truly understood the meaning in the phrase, 'life is precious' and truly learned not to take anything or anyone for granted, not to guarantee anything, and to expect less and accept more. 

2020 changed us in every possible way. What was once flourishing in 2019 plunged into a deep, dark abyss in 2020. While some of us became a little cold, let's shed off the misfortunes that engulfed us, let us again smell the glittering new year. 2020 was a year that enhanced people's experience with turmoil and some with trauma due to the passing of those that once breathed air like we once did. While we're at it, we have stories and tales to tell when we're old and gray, like what we hear from the war veterans. While I am aware that it's like comparing apples and oranges, what happened this year will be embalmed in our history books, and one day, the future generations will one day use it as a source of knowledge.

One can only hope that 2021 will give us everything that we couldn't have in 2020. While 2021 rhymes with '2020 won', it didn't win.

Know Thy Worth

So, I had an hour of a heart-to-heart talk with my best mate in Toronto. I told everything about why I was feeling down and sad these past few days. I told my mate that I have dropped a bomb that really caught him (nope, not my mate, the other person) off guard. I was actually expecting it. My good mate told me that there's nothing wrong with me and I just have to do those things that make me happy. He said, "know your worth, Renz!". I'm still in the process of recovering from all the bad shenanigans I did. It was downright irrational, irresponsible, and I might have caused a burden to him, to begin with. His last message read, "I really appreciate this. I have to process it though." Maybe I am still new to this thing, and the lesson was learned the hardest way. People really come and go, but they teach you valuable lessons in life. I should go with the flow, and the person who truly values me will just come when I least expect it.

Such a life!

PS: And oh, Joe Biden and Kamala Harris won!

Irrational Thoughts at 1 AM

I always think that I'm smart, rational, and organized. At work, I believe that I'm one of the most efficient employees, and I always strive for perfection. I have no problem with that. BUT, when it comes to love, I'm on the opposite spectrum.

100 decibels

 I am so disappointed right now. Although, the wounds were patched and bridges weren't burned, but I still can't get over to it. I know that sometimes I can get tactless, but it's just me. When things didn't go in my way, I try to be sarcastic because it's my coping mechanism. It's me being me. But apparently, someone misconstrued it and blew it out of proportions. I was yelled at and the last time I got yelled at was decades ago, like when I was still six or seven and it was understandable during that time because I was so naughty, but to be yelled at because of a misconstrued statement? I don't know, I just broke out and cried. For the first time in my life, I felt helpless. I cried so hard because I wasn't expecting that to happen. I felt so sorry for myself. I believe I didn't deserve that kind of treatment.

I guess I need to stay away from certain people and enjoy solitude. Yes, a time to be alone.

Retreat House

 And just like that, my month-long R&R has finally come to an end. So sad, but I had fun despite a few minor speedbumps and inconveniences along the way. I will defo miss those days when I'd just play the PS4 all day, edit my vlogs, and just catch up with my reading and Netflix lists. I'm grateful for the central office's initiative to give us a month-long vacay without deducting my leave credits. How cool is that? Also, I managed to finish Ace Combat 7 thrice! HAHAHA.

Back to reality. Back to work. Back to seeing my favorite colleagues. Back to seeing the faces of my colleagues whom I abhor the most (hahaha such a bitch, I know).

But, there's one thing that I wish to end–COVID-19. I miss going to the gym (though I'm still slim, only gained a pound since the quarantine started, but it made me happier because of endorphins and other happy hormones), I miss going to coffee shops alone, and most of all, I miss traveling.

Hello there, 2020!

I cannot believe that it's almost the last year of the decade. Looking back, I have grown physically, mentally, and emotionally. I am forever grateful to all the things I've experienced for the last ten years. Ten years, for the lack of better cliche, was a roller coaster ride. I've experienced the highs and lows, but here I am! Still alive, bitches!

For now, I shall update my online journal more often. 2019 was uhmm, let's just say I got to preoccupied with some things that were not actually worth my time. But it's okay. I shall update you in another blog post, soon. For now I shall be back for work to continue my 24-hour overtime shift. Ciao!

How Does One Waltz Away?

Last week, I finally have the chance to watch Anna And The King. The movie was first released last December 1999, almost 20 years ago. I know, shame... shame, but better late than ever, okay?

The movie is all about King Mongkut's relationship with the Kingdom of Siam's newly hired English schoolteacher, Anna Leonowens. Basically, it's all about finding love in a very untimely circumstance. I really like this movie because it's not too cheesy, and it reflects the reality of life. You meet someone who would make your life meaningful but do not end up with the person whom you truly love. Sometimes, they come to our life to teach us valuable lessons.

Here's my favorite part of the movie, during the last part. IT REALLY STRUCK THE CORE OF MY SOUL.

Anna: I, uh, ordered this some time ago for the children. It's a fine example of scientific thinking. As music is mathematical in nature
King Mongkut: Chords, constructed from notes in intervals of thirds. And so on, and so on.
Anna: Precisely. I would like to know why, if science can unravel something as beautiful as music, why it cannot posit a solution for a school teacher and a king?
King Mongkut: The manner in which people might understand, such new possibilities is also a process of evolution.
Anna: Everything in Siam has its own time.
King Mongkut: Even if King is also wanting it to be different.
Anna: I still must go, Your Majesty.
King Mongkut: So, where is it you will be going?
Anna: England.
King Mongkut: Home. This is good ma'am. Very good for Louis as well.
Anna: What?
King Mongkut: I'm wondering if given circumstances it is appropriate for a King to ask... Anna... to dance?
Anna: I have danced with a king before, your Majesty
King Mongkut: And I... an Englishwoman. Until now, Madam Leonowens, I did not understand supposition man could be satisfied with only one woman.
Narrator (Prince Chulalongkorn): I was only a boy, but the image of my father, holding the woman he loved for the last time has remained with me throughout the years. It is always surprising how small a part of life is taken up by meaningful moments. Most often they're over before they start even though they cast a light on the future and make the person who originated them unforgettable. Anna had shined such a light to Siam.

Such a bittersweet ending.

overload

It's been a while since my last update. I have been busy with a lot of things lately and it's driving me nuts, tbh. I have just received my IELTS results and I am totally okay with it. An overall score of 8.0 is not that bad for someone who isn't a native speaker of English. God knows that I tried my best in that exam, so I guess I deserve a thousand pats on the back. I think it's already enough for me to gain points in my express entry profile. I am still waiting for my WES evaluation form. According to the website, it takes a month to complete the entire process. I don't really know why it takes longer to evaluate for the purpose of IRCC. Well, I have no choice but to wait. I hate myself for being impatient and an overthinker sometimes.

This shouldn't stress me out, but I can't help it. I am not blaming the Mercury retrograde or any of those astrology shit. Shit really happens and we have to deal with it. Also, our impending transfer to Manila is kinda stressing me out, but since I am not alone with this ordeal, I guess it's a consolation, to say the least. But I still don't get it WHY ON EARTH WOULD YOU FIX SOMETHING THAT'S NOT BROKEN IN THE FIRST PLACE? Some things still keep me baffled, and I do not know why some people whom I respect have thought about it. Politics? Bureaucracy? Probably.

Also, it is true that when you encounter people whom you hate, your day's already shitty. But, I try to at least divert my attention by thinking of happy and funny thoughts. But then again, if you're working overtime, and you're with that person you hate at work, and you're sleepy and cranky as fuck, I might just snap and be a bitch. But no, I believe sarcasm is the best weapon for stupidity. LOL. Light indeed travels faster than sound. A person might look brilliant from afar until he starts talking. Stupid is forever. Lalalala.

Okay, this post is full of angst. Trust me, I am now matured and know how to handle shit things like this. Easy peasy. Ya basic.

Worth It

People who stood by your side no matter what the circumstances are worth keeping. Never, ever leave them. You might not know, you won't find another one who's willing to fight and protect you.

I have fallen a dozen times and fell on an endless pit where no one even tried to catch me. It hurt, but we just have to take the leap because that's what life is all about - to take risks. And when the right time comes, everything is going to be worth it. Worth the shot.

Second Chance

Last week, I got a letter from the embassy, and I got denied. It was disheartening at first but when I read the letter, it wasn't bad that all. Sought help to someone's knowledgable about it, and it took us around 3 days to finish the online application. However, they have a new immigration requirement. I need to submit the biometrics in either Manila or Cebu. No Davao. Of course, I chose Cebu since it's nearer. It was my first time to fly in and fly out on a city on the same day! Crazy, right? But anyway, they are now processing my visa and hopefully this time, I've provided the documents they needed. Gosh, I can't think of other reasons why they won't grant me a visitor's visa. As the cliche goes, there's always a first time. It was truly heartbreaking, but I have no choice but to move on. I know I spent 7k from my first application. There were regrets, but there's no point of crying over spilled milk. I can always bring back the money I spent, but I can't just afford to throw away my one and only chance to work and live in Toronto.

C'mon, universe! Let's do this!

Instant Staycation

Almost a week after my Singapore and Kuala Lumpur adventure, I flew again to Manila for my two-week staycation este training. I went home a week after for a short weekend. Anyway, I'll be back to work tomorrow for 24 hours (huhu) but hey, the silver lining is I get extra moolah for my travels. Speaking of traveling, I'll be flying again in two and a half weeks to Sydney and Melbourne and I AM SO FUCKING EXCITED RIGHT NOW. Can't wait to be back in my favorite country.

But for now, I shall finish reading my pending book list.

Happy 1 Year of Vlogging!

Exactly a year ago, I went to South Korea and filmed my first ever vlog. Vlogging wasn't really my cup of tea because (i) it's a tedious task to edit videos; and (ii) I am really uncomfortable filming myself. Weeks before this trip, a lot of people (mostly from #DBSTheBest) convinced me to film a vlog during this trip. It was fun and awkward doing it, but I thought I need to step out of my comfort zone and try new things. After releasing this video online, I received positive remarks, some of them asking to create more videos like this one. It defo means a lot to me.

 I know I am still far behind to some leading travel YouTubers out there (see also: Sam Kolder, Erwan Heussaff, Ollie Ritchie, Benn Tkalcevic, and etc), but I'm trying to master this craft. It's hard, yes, but once you publish your final output, everything's worth it.

Vlogging is now part of my creative outlet aside from music and writing. This year, I promise to shoot more videos on my travels. I want everyone to show how beautiful the world is, at least in my own little way.

May It Be

May is fast approaching and I can't hardly wait for my first day off of the month. Seriously, this week, I am expected to work 8 straight days because of the transition of my work schedule. Not that I'm complaining though, but I'm quite sick the past few days. Maybe I got stressed from all the adventures I took last weekend. My overnight experience in Kalanggaman Island was underwhelming, albeit the majestic sunrise so to speak. I'm having a flu right now.

Well, it's almost midnight. I should be sleeping.

PS: Now that my mobile plan in SMART is no longer unlimited, I'm looking for ways to maximize my data. Ugh, fuck this. I just hate the internet connection here in the Philippines - slow, limited, and fucking expensive. Unbelievable!

I should be sleeping. Duty in T minus 5 hours.

I've had enough

Requested departure time: 2:20PM. Departure time given from flow management: 4:22PM.

Less than three weeks before the national elections. I am so tired of reading and hearing all those political nonsense and mudslinging from both staunch supporters and candidates. Well, I can't blame it. Social media had played a very important role in delivering vital information in this year's political campaign. But of course, you can't just avoid those hypocrites, know-it-alls, the pseudo-intellectuals, and the gullible ones. 

But despite our intellectual, socio-political, and ~*emotional*~ differences, we all have the same dream - whoever wins the election must put our country in a higher pedestal.

IN OTHER NEWS, air traffic congestion or flight delays have hit a all-time high! HURRAY! A few days ago, a reliable source told me that in NAIA 3 alone, 96% of all flights are delayed. The reason? Numerous non-scheduled flights were filed flying in and out of Manila. See also: hired private planes by politicians going to different provinces of the country.

Sense of Entitlement

Went home for a short break in Davao last Saturday. My city's currently experiencing a daily 4-5hrs of rotational brownouts due to the lack of power in the Mindanao grid. One of the generators of the newly opened clean coal power plant in Davao City went off grid a few days ago, causing these inconveniences. Davao Light, the privately owned electric service provider of the city had no choice but to implement series of rotational brownouts on a daily basis. My reliable sources told me that this power outages will last until next week.

I know that a city of more than two million residents didn't deserve this kind of shit. We are all aware that one particular candidate even claimed that the power deficit in Mindanao has already been solved for years where in fact IT WASN'T.

Having said that, we have no choice. I know this is a helpless scenario most especially to people who solely rely to electricity for a living (see also: freelance workers). But have you ever thought that even if you're one of the members of the affluent Ayalas or Aboitizes, you're still bound to experience rotational brownouts? Unless you have a powerful diesel generator, that's a totally different story.

Lately, I have read so many rants about this rotational brownout in Davao. FYI, even if you stage a protest outside the main office of DLPC at Ponciano Street, you won't yield anything. I don't get it why some people have this superior sense of entitlement. They're not even influential members of the city to begin with. I know there are discrepancies regarding DLPC's scheduled brownout, but then again going back to my point... ugh. I just can't even.

Major eyeroll.

There's No Place Like Homeland

So after months of #TeamCarQuinn hiatus, I am officially back on track. I told myself not to watch the entire fourth season (although I've watched the first two episodes of it) because I've already read the summary of the fourth season. But no, my gut tells me to do the otherwise. Still never fails to surprise me every episode. I don't know but I think Carrie and Quinn looked good together, and they perfectly worked as a team, aside from having a romantic thing going on them between them. I never liked the Carrie-Brody tandem. For the lack of better adjective, they looked awful. Bleugh. HAHAHA.

Well, I guess I need to binge watch this up to the fifth season!