Wednesday, January 05, 2011

Let Go

Dear mom,

Dad left us when I was still two years old. You told me that he had to go somewhere else. I can still remember his face, but not his voice. You told me that he’s a great singer.

You know mom, I didn’t care about dad’s disappearance. I thought it was just normal. I thought every dad in the world has to go somewhere else, leaving the mother to raise their child alone. But, I was just wondering mom. Why did you scold me after seeing dad’s picture? I just saw it lying on the floor. I do not understand why you told me not to ‘touch’ the things of other people. He is my father, mom. But, you just ignored me and left me confused.

Back in third grade, we had this mini-program in our classroom called Show and Tell. All of us were required to show something, be a thing, a person or an animal and tell the reasons what’s so special about it. Nathan, my best friend, happens to be the first one to present in our mini-program. The weird thing was he didn’t bring a thing or an animal. Instead, he brought a man. Nate introduced the man. He introduced his father to the class. A father. I got confused. What was his father doing inside the classroom? He should not be here! He should have left Nate when he was young too, leaving his mother to raise him, like me! He has to go somewhere else.

Remember when I got back home from school and ask where dad was? You gave me a cold reply, “He’s too busy. He will never come back.” He will never come back. HE WILL NEVER COME BACK.Those five words will be forever etched on my mind.

As I grew up, I had troubles of finding my true self. You don’t have to blame yourself mom if sometimes I get into trouble. Yes, you provided me the basic needs as well as lots of material things. But those things won’t compensate the loneliness I had experienced. I really got envious to my classmates who were constantly accompanied by their father. And then it hit me. He left us. Well, I do not really care the reason why he left. Perhaps he had another family. Or maybe I was born out of wedlock. As far as I know, he never came back to us. He will never come back. I feel so sorry mom for constantly nagging about dad’s whereabouts. Deep inside, you are hurt. So am I.

Now that I’m almost 30, maybe it’s now time to establish my own family. But ever since I’ve introduced a girl to you, you’re always grumpy. You told me that Lexie was not perfect for me. Mom, I know you are afraid. You are afraid because I might leave you. Mom, it’s been 28 years since dad left us. You don’t have to be afraid. You have to move on. We have to move on. It’s about time to move on to the next chapter of our lives.

I know you’re still mad at me, but I promise that I’ll never leave you. I am not like dad. I swear that I’ll be the world’s best dad.

I love you.

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