Irrational Thoughts at 1 AM

I always think that I'm smart, rational, and organized. At work, I believe that I'm one of the most efficient employees, and I always strive for perfection. I have no problem with that. BUT, when it comes to love, I'm on the opposite spectrum.

They say love is the most complicated thing in the world. I can say that I'm still an inexperienced lad. A noob, if you put it that way. In the past, I only had one relationship which only lasted for like four months because the other half was too clingy and wanted me to settle and move to a new country permanently. I thought it was fast, and I got too overwhelmed by it. It was a bad break-up. We ended up blocking each other on every social media platform. He is clingy and I wasn't enjoying my solitude from time to time (an INTJ thing) but wasn't a toxic person to be fair. I was just afraid and came unprepared in facing the unknown.

There were times when I'd thought he's the one. Apparently, it was either one-sided or an LDR. I don't know. I make simple things complicated. I know I'm a straight-forward-no-bullshit type of person, but when it comes to love, I am irrational. Heck, I thought I'm one of the dumbest human beings who have walked on this planet. I easily fall in love when I thought everything's falling into the right places. I struggle saying the right words I wanted to say, and I ended up writing it in a letter or just send it through text. What a coward!

I need to be honest to myself, but sometimes too much of it can lead to a total disaster. Ugh, I hate myself for being like this. I have been thinking a lot of stuff lately and it keeps on bugging me, you know? I got restless, and eventually, I get sadder and depressed as days go by. But I don't know. I shouldn't have sent that notebook, to begin with. I shouldn't have. I have definitely crossed the line, for sure. But for what its worth, he made me realize that I am still capable of loving a person unconditionally... at a cost of losing him as a great friend.

I am hoping that everything will be okay in the next few days, or weeks, or even months to come. I am willing to wait. And, if it goes to radio silence, I have no choice but to move on and learn that mistake. It'll hurt me along the way, but it all goes to a lesson learned the hardest way. I don't know, time is relative, and it only depends on the other end. As for me, I did what I did, but the only thing that I'm regretting right now is losing a friend and became a stranger once again. It felt like all of the foundations have been broken right after the strong earthquake.